Web-Based Matchmaking Services
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Introduction
Ever since this site first went online, we've received questions about how to meet compatible partners.
Of course, nothing compares to having a friend introduce you to a friend of theirs, someone whom they think you'll be compatible with. But failing that, for most people web-based dating services are the next-best thing.
In reviewing today's web-based dating services, we were pleasantly
surprised (one of us even ended up with a new partner as a result of
reviewing them), and concluded that at least three of these services (Match
for traditional matchmaking, AdultFriendFinder for
casual sex personal ads, and Bondage for BDSM personal
ads) were surpassing their newspaper and magazine equivalents in
popularity and ease of use.
Each of these services offers a huge selection of current ads (hundreds
if not thousands for most medium-to-large cities), search capabilities
that let you browse only the ads that are possible matches for you, free
trial periods or free access levels, and e-mail notification systems
that let you know when people post new ads which are possible
matches for you.
Services
Match
Match is widely regarded as the best of the mainstream matchmaking
services, and has a definite focus on long-term relationships. Match
sponsors real-life socials for their singles in various cities across
the country, something which no other service we reviewed could offer.
At the time we reviewed it their web site also had excellent
supporting content, including an on-line magazine for singles, dating
advice columns (both straight and gay), and much more. If you are
single and looking for a serious relationship, this is your best bet.
AdultFriendFinder
This matchmaking service focuses on serving the "sex personals" market,
and is a good alternative to traditional swinger's magazines.
Bondage
This matchmaking service focuses on people who enjoy BDSM play and want
to meet others with the same interest. It's a very popular site, and
enjoys a great deal of community support (in other words, it's extremely
common to meet people in the real-life BDSM community who also have
profiles on this service). In addition to personal ads, this service
also features bondage/fetish pictures and video, articles, stories, and
discussion forums.
Tips for Writing Your Profile
Particularly if you're looking for a long-term relationship, it's
critical to have a well-written and accurate profile. Here are some
tips:
- Spend a lot of time thinking through exactly what you're
looking for in a partner, including what your "deal breakers" are. For
example, if you will only date non-smokers, mention that to spare
time/rejection for everyone concerned. Being more specific means fewer
responses, but much better matches. Plus, you seem more real.
- One exception to the above concerns the often sensitive subject of
body weight and size: if you indicate that you'd prefer someone who is
"slim" or "height-weight proportional" (whatever that means), and
particularly if you're a male seeking a female, many people whom you
might actually be attracted to will self-select out, since the terms are
vague and nobody wants to be rejected over something like that. Frankly,
we'd advise leaving preferred physical criteria for potential partners
out of your ad, completely.
- Have a good picture to include with your profile. According to
surveys, including a picture will increase by a factor of seven or eight
the number of responses you get.
- Describe your values, hobbies, and especially goals, in your
profile. Don't be afraid to mention the "why" behind your life's
interests. Give a sense of what your life is like, and what you're
looking for.
- Remember that people are better at detecting exaggeration and
deception than you may think. Keep your profile honest.
- You want to make a good first impression, so use a spell-checker if
necessary.
Tips for Replying, and for Making First Dates
- Replies should be more than just a few sentences, but likewise
shouldn't be a multi-page tome. Include their name so they don't think
it's a form reply, and of course comment on or ask a question about
something they included in their profile.
- Proceed only as quickly as you're comfortable proceeding. Never
give someone your last name, everyday e-mail address, personal web site
address, home address or phone number, employer information, or any
other personally identifying information, just right off the bat (and a
tip: be sure that you don't have an automated signature line in your
e-mail program which would inadvertently include this information in
your replies to someone).
- Trust your instincts. If you have a nagging fear that someone may
be unsafe, or if you have nagging suspicions that they're lying about
something, yet you don't have these same fears about everyone you meet,
then they're probably based on something real.
- First dates should generally be in a public place - a coffee shop is
usually best. You should arrange to have your own transportation, so
your date doesn't have to pick you up at home.
- It's always good advice to let a close friend know where you'll be,
when you expect to be back, and whom you'll be seeing (perhaps providing
that person with all the identifying information for that person which
you have). The "safe call" helpful in some circumstances - you agree to
call your friend back at a certain time to let them know everything is
OK, but if you don't call them they're supposed to assume something has
gone wrong.
- Remember that people like to talk about themselves, particularly
with someone who genuinely seems interested in them. Seeing someone for
the first time is exciting, as it's getting a little glimpse into a
whole life as complex as your own but which has followed a completely
different course. It's an experience to be savored, like a fine wine.
The Bigger Picture of Relationships and Dating
- The best dating advice, the one piece of wisdom which gets repeated
countless times but which is unfortunately rarely heeded, is to get to a
point where you LIKE your life and its direction before trying to
include someone else in it. Two of the biggest things people find
attractive in potential partners are self-confidence and
self-assuredness, both of which flow from this.
- If you want a partner because you're lonely, then the fact that
you're lonely will make you come across as desperate, and lower the ease
with which you can get into a relationship as well as (possibly) the
quality of the people you'll be able to attract. If your basic social
needs aren't being met right now, then if nothing else use volunteer
work to meet them, so that you already have a full life, filled with
something you believe in, before taking the step of including someone
else.
- If you find yourself constantly thinking "What is this person
thinking of me?" or "What could I say or how could I act to impress him
or her more," rather than "Wow, I'm really curious why she's interested
in X or Y or Z" or "I'm enjoying this conversation" or even "Hey, the
food is great here!" then you're probably indulging in insecurity rather
than actually enjoying yourself. And life is too short not to enjoy
yourself :)
- Don't pretend to be anyone other than yourself. In addition to the
fact that people are better at picking up on insincerity than you think,
faking it just isn't fun.
- Know what your goals in life are, and why they're important to you.
Good luck in love!
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