Out of the Shadows: Freeloader or Justified?


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Freeloader or Justified?

Mistress Infinity
Email Address: bren@agate.net.

Q: I have been reading the debate on Pro-Dommes, it always causes such a fuss. I am considered a Pro-Domme because I have a good number of training materials I will not simply give away. However, I also live the 24/7 lifestyle with part time and full time slaves of my own.

Recently I received an email from someone who wanted to be such a 24/7 slave but he had a problem with the money issue. I explained that someone living in my home, eating my food, using my supplies, and expecting me to purchase his articles of daily living, was essentially a free-loader. I think anyone living together needs to contribute to the cost of living. Am I wrong?

He responded in anger calling me all kinds of names and threatening me. He accused me of trying to seduce a lifestyle player because business was slow. I honestly thought he was looking for a lifestyle position and simply tried to explain that I could not afford to support him and have him live with me for free.

So to be a lifestyle Domme am I expected to support this man?


nflauren
Email Address: nflauren@submission.net.

A: Your indignation seems perfectly reasonable to me!

Most people I know in long-term BDSM relationships share financial expenses in customized ways that are within exactly the same range of long-term vanilla relationships I know. For both partners to contribute to rent, food, and whatever other financial obligations are jointly incurred is the norm. Inequities and special circumstances are negotiated one-by-one, typically with one partner agreeing to contribute more financially in exchange for the other partner agreeing to contribute more in terms of household chores. These deals are the same as those made in vanilla relationships.

The contributions are highly tailored to the individuals at times. Just as many vanilla relationships involve a wife's taking care completely of a home and children in exchange for one partner working and supporting the wife and children, it is conceivable for a top/dom to agree to do this kind of exchange with a bottom/submissive. But most BDSM relationships I know of do not start off with the bottom/submissive expecting to be financially supported! Especially with male bottoms/female tops, that particular relationship format would be different and presumably to be negotiated up front.

Is this bottom/submissive offering to do childcare for Mistress Infinity?! I don't think so from the description!

It is also the case, though, that in some (and maybe many) BDSM relationships, finances become intimately integrated in the play and relationship issues, and sometimes those intertwinings become very complex. One form of complexity is for the top/dom to take charge of the bottom/sub's paychecks as well as whether and how the bottom works. In those cases, the top/dom usually takes charge of paying rent and other expenses for the bottom/sub.

Was the bottom/submissive offering to let Mistress Infinity take charge of his bank accounts and his lifetime work choices? I don't think so from the description!

All kinds of possibilities do occur to my knowledge in BDSM relationships. There is no obvious limit to what people can negotiate with regard to such trades. And in my view, creative trades are a good thing, a wonderful thing! But the expectation that someone else will pay for your living expenses without your giving something up that is of equal value is inappropriate.


Elaine's rachel
Email Address: rachel100@hotmail.com.

hello, i am about to enter in to 24/7 (feb 1st 1998) agreement with my Mistress of four years while we have been under contract this is an extension of that contract. i do not expect to freeload on my Mistress but rather let her decide how and when i contribute. Since my Mistress has become a Pro-Domme i will help run the house here and go back to school, i will do any and every thing that my Mistress wants and needs. However the need to feel that i am a kept submissive/slave is very important to me, this further's my need of being totally owned by My MISTRESS ELAINE. and i hope benefits both Mistress and House for D/s is truly a two way street.

rachel.


sub-lynn
Email Address: lpublic@hotmail.com.

I can see both points of view in this problem. Obviously, the sub needs to contribute some way. The sub probably has no problem with that, What may have occurred is that the sub's fantasy bubble was burst.

As a submissive, I have a strong desire to be owned completely. I don't want to be involved with a give and take relationship. I simply want to be possessed. Necessary reality infringes on this and with some empathy and understanding on the part of the Dom(me), both people should be able to work this out.

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