Coming from Whipping


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ASK THE THERAPIST

February 1998

by William A. Henkin, Ph.D.

Copyright © 1998 by William A. Henkin

<Q> I love to get whipped. Maybe I love to get whipped too much, because when my Mistress starts running Her fingers through a cat's braids I get excited, and when She orders me into position for a flogging I get hard. Sometimes during a flogging I can't maintain control so I have been known to come from being whipped. When She wants that kind of result my Mistress is very pleased by my response. But since She expects to dictate when I may and when I may not have an orgasm, my occasional lack of control has sometimes inspired a degree of irritation in Her that was neither pretty to see nor healthy for Her slave. I'd like to be able to train my excitement better than I have, both for her pleasure and for mine, but faced with a flogger I'm clueless. And you?

<A> Me? Faced with a flogger I am not clueless, but I don't suppose that's really the question you want answered. Although they usually refer to situations other than the one you describe, what the textbooks call "premature ejaculation" – meaning that a man comes sooner than he or his partner would like, not meaning that he comes sooner than God in Her infinite wisdom dictates that he "should" – is one of the most common concerns men bring to sex therapists and, if it is not complicated by other factors, often one of the easiest to resolve. The basis for resolution frequently involves teaching the man how to recognize when he is getting close to coming so that he can pause somehow in whatever activity is stimulating his arousal. Usually the client practices with and/or without a partner, reports his progress to the therapist, and they make adjustments in the work to facilitate the process.

In ordinary sexual situations teaching a man to recognize when he is approaching what is known as the point of "ejaculatory inevitability" – the moment when he can no longer help but come – involves either of two techniques. One is called the Stop-Start technique, the other is called the Squeeze technique. In the Squeeze technique, when the man approaches ejaculatory inevitability his partner gently pinches the head of his penis between her or his thumb and forefinger. This pinch tends to relieve his urge to release and, generally, makes the erect penis partially soft again. By practicing the Squeeze technique over and over, the man becomes better able than he was to gauge how close he is to coming, and to back off from further stimulation for a few minutes. Although there is no pinching involved, the Stop-Start technique is similar as a means of teaching a man how to anticipate that he is close to coming: it involves repeating the cycle of stimulation to the same point just before ejaculatory inevitability and stopping all stimulation until the man's erection subsides, then resuming stimulation until he is near to coming and stopping again, and so forth. Obviously, a man can practice these techniques alone in his masturbation whether or not he has a partner, with the same learning results. Usually it is a good idea to practice alone first in any case, to get a sense of your own physical process, before introducing a partner or other outside stimulation.

There are differences in your situation, of course: they are, first, that your stimulation is fetish- rather than tactile-based, and, second, that you do not have permission to control your own arousal – or, at least, your own release. Consequently, your Mistress may have to be involved in your training, which neither of you may find objectionable. As a fetish-based stimulant the flogging is, to a significant extent, in your mind before it's in your body. If your Mistress wants to delay your ejaculation she may want to contain your exposure to her whips by limiting your ability to see, smell, and hear them before she begins to use them on you, and to modulate the way and the extent to which you feel them when she whips you. She may also want to train you to alert her when you approach the point of ejaculatory inevitability so that she can back off from the flogging while you regroup. With some practice she may learn to teach you to control yourself so she can give you the beating you may both wish her to administer.

Incidentally, I have heard of someone taking one or another of the serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (such as Paxcel, Prozac, Zoloft) for the purpose of controlling sexual release. I am not a physician and I'd have to guess this is probably not medically sound, even though a number of studies suggest that these and certain other anti-depressant medications can delay ejaculation as a side-effect. But if this order of anti-depressant is in your life already, or if you believe it might profitably be, you might discuss the option with your psychiatrist or other prescribing physician.


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