The Sexuality Advisor, Issue #8

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Column #8 - August 15, 2000

Welcome to The Sexuality Advisor! Every other week, we'll answer a few questions about sex, love, and relationships submitted by our readers.

Keep those emails coming! Regretfully, we cannot answer every letter individually. Whether or not your question is answered in this forum, you can be sure that your email address and question will be kept strictly confidential. We reserve the right to edit the letters we publish for readability and length.

How Can We Have Simultaneous Orgasm?

I am approaching 40 and female. For the last two years I have been able to have orgasm with water jet and vibrator stimulation to my clitoris but I have never climaxed during intercourse. I am very aware of my G-spot and have a male partner with much stamina. I don't think any amount of stimulation will make me come from intercourse alone. We have tried numerous positions and techniques. How can my partner stimulate my clitoris while we're having intercourse, ultimately leading us to simultaneous orgasm? We have read and experimented to no end. It is quite easy for me to reach orgasm with much much clitoral stimulation.

I've gotta say it up front. Simultaneous orgasm is the stuff hot fantasies are made of, but it's one hell of a trick to pull off in real life. Not that it can't be done, but you may find in your efforts to do so that concerning yourselves too much with timing can put a real damper on your excitement. Go ahead and have a lot of good sex, but if it turns out that you two never come at the same time, don't get too hung up on it. Good sex is its own reward!

Your lover can stimulate your clit during intercourse in a variety of different ways--or you can do it yourself. Just about any position lends itself to manual stimulation of the clit; hands are pretty small and versatile and can slip in between you two no matter how you're arranged. Consider bringing your vibrator into bed, and experiment to see how you two can have intercourse while you're getting buzzed. Either of you can "drive" the vibe if you're sitting astride him during sex, or if he's pretty upright while you're lying back. Maybe try putting the vibrator beneath your vulva when he enters you from behind? Depending on the particulars of your favorite water jet stimulation, you might be able to make that part of your sex play if you approach it creatively, but be aware that the in-and-out of fucking in the water tends to wash away vaginal lubrication. Nonetheless,it might be really exciting for both of you if you come from the water jet while his cock is relatively still inside you.

Have fun!

Questions About Sperm

Three questions: (1) What is the turnaround time for sperm regeneration generally; (2) Does intercourse without a "full load," i.e. intercourse occurring in advance of the "turnaround" time, inhibit the ability to conceive; and (3) Any truth to the idea (as recently suggested in Men's Health) that lack of masturbation by the male increases chances of conceiving a girl (since, according to that article, the "Y" sperm do not survive in the man for more than 2-3 days at a time, thus leaving more "X" sperm to meet the female during intercourse). My wife and I are attempting to have a child, however, I continue to have a keen interest in taking care of myself, but do not wish to inhibit conception. Look forward to your replies. PDK.

I looked for answers to this query in my favorite reference book about human fertility, Taking Charge Of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. This book offers practical and incredibly detailed information about fertility awareness for women--keeping track of menstrual cycles (and more!) by watching changes in body temperature and other physiological signs. There's also a whole lot of information about mens' contribution to conception, and in depth information about fertility treatments if conception doesn't occur easily. I'd recommend it without reservation to any couple trying to conceive--and, heck, to anyone with a female body.

Most men produce 100 to 300 million sperm per day. Each ejaculation (which means, presumably, when ejaculation happens occasionally) releases somewhere around 150-400 million sperm. Roughly speaking then, if you're ejaculating more than once a day, every day, chances are good that you're not firing with a completely full load every time. Be aware, though, that sperm counts aren't considered "low" until there are fewer than 50 million sperm per ejaculation. So if you're an average Joe, busily making 200 million sperm per day, you could come two or three times and still be considered fertile.

That is, if you're making high quality sperm. Numbers aren't the only factor in the fertility game. Sperm have to be well formed and able to "swim" to be capable of fertilizing an ovum. These factors are called "morphology" and "motility". If for some reason you're making malformed or poky sperms, your general fertility will be lower, and you'd be better off saving up your load for intercourse when you're trying to conceive. This isn't the kind of information that you'd generally know unless you've gotten a semen analysis, and usually men only get semen analyses when their partners aren't getting pregnant over a reasonable period of time. Which is to say, if you find yourself in this situation, your physician will be able to give you pointers about whether you need to conserve your semen for sex or not.

Trying to play the gender selection game is pretty iffy. Generally, sperm that contain the Y chromosome (and therefore produce boy children) are speedier than sperm that contain the X chromosome (and therefore produce girl children), but the X-containing sperm are a lot hardier. X- and Y-containing sperm genearally are produced in equal number. I can't find any reference to how the X-versus-Y ratio changes in men who don't ejaculate often. If you have a certain gender preference, you can tip the odds slightly in your favor by timing intercourse in relation to when ovulation takes place--see Taking Charge of Your Fertility for details--but it's certainly no guarantee that you'll get the flavor of baby you're hoping for. Best of luck with trying to conceive!

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