The Sexuality Advisor, Issue #7


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Column #7 - July 29, 2000

Welcome to The Sexuality Advisor! Every other week, we'll answer a few questions about sex, love, and relationships submitted by our readers.

Regretfully, we cannot answer every letter individually. Whether or not your question is answered in this forum, you can be sure that your email address and question will be kept strictly confidential. We reserve the right to edit the letters we publish for readability and length.


Am I Circumcized?

Hi, I'm an eighteen year old male and I don't know for sure whether I'm circumsized or not. My mother told me that I'm circumsized, but when I am not erect, my penis looks like pictures of uncircumsized penises I've seen, with skin covering up most of the head of my penis. Is this normal for someone who is circumsized? How can I tell whether or not I'm circumsized?

It's perfectly normal for the skin of a flaccid, uncircumcized penis to surround part or all of the glans (head). In uncircumcized men, the foreskin fully encloses the glans, and usually protrudes beyond it a bit as well. This digital archive of Michelangelo's David has a very good view of his well-rendered uncircumcised cock in the full frontal image.

Other clues: If you are circumcised, you might be able to see a circumcision scar a little ways back from the head of your cock when it's hard--a change in skin color or texture or both. Also, the skin of an uncircumcised penis tends to feel a little loose along the shaft when fully erect.

If these suggestions still don't settle the question for you, ask your doctor at your next appointment. Don't be shy. She or he has seen and heard it all before, and can give you a definitive answer after a very brief and easy exam.


Should I End This Relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and we started having sex two years into the relationship. I still do not feel comfortable having sex with him, I feel like he is using me, and I have never had an orgasm. I can't get the nerve to tell him what I think, should I tell him? how? He was my first, and I was his. I have thought about being with someone else, what should I do?

Ouch! This is a tough situation. Looks to me like you have three choices:

Choice number one: Don't work up any nerve and continue on the way you have been. I don't recommend it; you're obviously unhappy and something needs to change. Sometimes you just need to get the guts together and do something, even if it's difficult and unpleasant.

Choice number two: Work up the nerve to tell him that your sex life needs to change--that he needs to start giving you what you need, whatever that is. Are you having difficulty speaking straightforwardly about what you like and dislike in bed? Maybe you don't really know what you like and dislike, because your only experience has been with an insensitive lover? If he's otherwise a truly wonderful guy and the only place he's been letting you down is in your sex life together, then work on boosting your own sexual self-confidence so you can comfortably tell him what you like and what you want (or at least what you want to try) in bed. Check out Carol Queen's excellent book Exhibitionism for the Shy. It's all about gaining confidence in and respect for your own sexuality, for your own benefit and for the benefit of your lover. Self-confidence and sexual assertiveness are very sexy, and chances are he'll love the change that makes your sexuality blossom.

Choice number three: Dump that chump. If he's not otherwise a truly wonderful guy--and if he's been making you feel used for two years (!), he's certainly not the most sensitive of fellows--then you're better off without him. No, it's not easy to end a relationship, but in the long run it's much, MUCH better for you than staying with someone who doesn't respect you.

Best of luck.


Help! I Think I Broke My Clit!

Can a woman masturbate too much, to the point where she can no longer stimulate her clitoris? I think I have this problem. I use a vibrator and now my clitoris cannot get stimulated either by my partner or by the vibrator. Help! I want feeling back!

My first thought is that it's really tough to masturbate "too much", as in "to the point of permanent physical damage". You'd have to keep going long past the time when your genitals started to hurt, which for the most part defeats the purpose of masturbating. It's pretty unlikely that your clit has signed off permanently.

Some vibrators--especially the electric models--can give some pretty intense stimulation. If you've been spending a lot of quality time with your toy lately, it's possible that your body just needs a break. There are plenty of fun, sexy ways to play with your lover without toys, and for that matter without any genital contact at all. Try some massage, or bathing together, or a long, slow, intense makeout session where you try to keep things "above the waist". Sometimes setting limits about what you can and can't do can fan the flames of lust better than just about anything, so don't be surprised if your clit stands up and demands some attention anyway!


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