The Sexuality Advisor, Issue #6


By continuing to browse this web site you are certifying your agreement to its terms of use; please read them if you have not done so already.

Column #6 - July 10, 2000

Welcome to The Sexuality Advisor, a new feature at sexuality.org! Every other week, we'll answer a few questions about sex, love, and relationships submitted by our readers.

We're thrilled--questions continue to pour in! Regretfully, we cannot answer every letter individually. Whether or not your question is answered in this forum, you can be sure that your email address and question will be kept strictly confidential. We reserve the right to edit the letters we publish for readability and length.


Should We Keep On Swinging?

We are a married couple but felt like we were missing out on something as our sex life become rather routine. Then in a magazine we found an ad that stated "Let me show you how to spice up your sex life--give your white wife the black experience". It seemed like a challenge to us. We investigated and made contact with a very capable black man. The three of us went out on a date to dinner and dancing and socialising. I drove; he and my wife in the rear seat geting intimate. By the time we reached a motel we were all three ready! Watching this black man masturbating my beautiful wife and listening to her words of encouragement drove me nearly out of my mind! He not only had intercourse with her several times but he made love to her as well. We ended up with my wife laying between us and she masturbated both of us at the same time. It was the most satisfying sex that we had in a long time.

My question is, should we experiment farther? Will we get to liking this kind of sex too much? My wife made sure he used a condom each time.

D. Wow! Now that's a hot adventure! Even if you don't decide to look for other partners again, at least you'll have some inspiring memories to call upon when your sex life starts feeling a little humdrum again.

Only you and your wife can decide whether to experiment further or not. Give it some time--a few weeks, maybe a few months--and see how you both feel about it. If you both still think positively about your adventure, then why not try it again?

And who's to say what constitutes "liking this kind of sex too much"? You and your wife and whoever you choose to have sex with are all consenting adults. If you all enjoy what you're doing; if all parties behave respectfully and responsibly toward each other (and using condoms is definitely the way to go); and if your relationship remains strong, or is even strengthened by your adventuring; then it's nobody's business but your own, and I say go forth, have fun, and play safe! Of course, if either of you start feeling like something is amiss--jealous, unsure, or even suddenly but definitely Uninterested-with-a-capital-U--then it's time for a heart-to-heart talk about your sex life, and maybe some reevaluation.

Consider reading the Society for Human Sexuality's excellent Modern Guide to Swinging. It's got lots of great insights about the customs and concerns of "the lifestyle". There are a bunch of useful resources listed at the bottom of the page, too, for finding out more. Good luck!


I'm So Frustrated That I Don't Know What To Do!

Hi, I am a 21 year old male, and I am a virgin. My girlfriend is 20 years old and is also a virgin. We have been dating for 2 years.

I believe that you should sincerely LOVE the person you lose your virginity to (or have sex with for that matter). She does not believe in sex before marriage. I really do love her, with all my heart, and would never do anything to hurt her, but my natural urges are driving me crazy, and if I don't have sex soon I think I am going to explode!!! Masturbation helps a little, but barely.

I have brought it up with her before, and it's the same thing every time, no sex before marriage... that's it... that's all... end of conversation. She says that she has sexual thoughts about us, but won't share them with me. I have told her that, even just sexual contact (no penetration) would make me happy, but the farthest we have gone with that, is her letting me touch her breasts (but not see them).

And it's not like I only want her to do all these things to please me. I am perfectly open to pleasing her as well, but she just does not seem to be interested.

I don't know what it is. Doesn't she know I love her? Does she love me? Doesn't she trust me?

Please help!! I don't know how much longer I can hold out, and I really don't know what to do. :(

DF

It probably wouldn't make you feel much better to hear that you're not the first guy to struggle with this issue, would it? I'm sure it won't help if I share my suspicion that your girlfriend is also struggling with her feelings of sexual desire in the face of the limits that she's set.

Sorry.

This is definitely a tough spot to be in. You're obviously just about nutty with arousal for her. And like I said, she's probably feeling the very same way about you. I say that because, Number One, she's outright told you that she's had sexy thoughts about the two of you, and Number Two, she's being extremely vigilant about not letting anything get too hot--probably for fear that she'll be driven crazy if she gets turned on and has to be the one to enforce the absolute No Sex Before Marriage Rule. Which, by the way, I think you should respect, and stop pressuring her to be more sexual than she's willing to be.

Believe it or not, young women get just as hormonal and hot and bothered as young men do, but with a big societal difference. Young women are sentenced to be the "gatekeepers" to sexuality. They're the ones who set and enforce the limits, because they're the ones who have the most to lose. A young woman's state of virginity is considered to be a much bigger deal than a young man's. Getting a "reputation" or being considered a "slut" can have some real, long-lasting and very unpleasant repercussions for a girl. And of course there's the real biggie, pregnancy: we all know who gets the responsibility and the blame for that one, even though it takes two to tango.

Does she say she knows you love her? Does she say she loves you? Does she say she trusts you? Only you can evaluate those claims on their own merits. And you also know better than I what her No Sex (Or Even Fooling Around) Before Marriage boundary is based on. Religion? Values? Family expectations? Fear for reputation, fear of pregnancy? For whatever reason, that line has been made clear. Pressing her to cross it is disrespectful to her wishes, at the very least, and crazymaking for you both. I know it's hard, but cool your jets. Develop an active fantasy life and a vast repertoire of masturbation techniques. Take a lot of cold showers.

What should you do if you really can't "hold out" any longer? I don't even need to say it, I'm sure, but under no circumstances should you take by force what isn't given to you freely. That's called rape, and will completely shatter the relationship you've grown for two years (not to mention get you in big trouble with the law, and may well get you pounded into hamburger by her older brothers). Looking for nookie with someone else behind her back is not going to fly, either--if she's traditional enough to want to save sex til marriage, she's not going to abide by you fooling around with someone else when she finds out, as she will eventually. If it comes down to it and you really can't take it any more, I suppose you could think about ending the relationship. To be really blunt, if you're not planning to marry this woman, you're never going to have sex with her anyway. If you are engaged, though, don't let this one point of conflict get so out of proportion that it distorts everything else. Sex is only one part of a marriage--an important part, but not the be-all and end-all, and it needs to be considered in perspective.

Best of luck with a frustrating situation.


Why Don't I Get Wet?

Hi,
I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend and I have tried oral sex and I can almost always reach an orgasm. I can also get them through manual stimulation of my clitoris from her and by clitoral masturbation, but I have never gotten wet. It's frustrating since she can get wet easily and I can't. We haven't tried penetration yet because of that. I know we can use artificial lubricants but I would much rather lubricate myself naturally, at least a little. I get aroused easily, I just don't get wet! What advice can you give me in order to get wet? Do we need to try different techniques? Or is it some problem I have? Please help me.

Thank you.
R

Hm. It sounds like, in general, everything's going well sexually for you. You've got a good partner, you have a great time, you're able to have orgasms a few different ways. Everything's working, but not exactly the way you'd hoped.

Are you taking any medications, by any chance? Many medications, and especially allergy/sinus/cold meds that dry up your nose, can dry up the lubrication in your vagina. It's a mucous membrane too, after all. Ask your doctor if you are on some prescription or over-the-counter medication, and you may find that if you stop the meds, you'll get wet in bed. However, that may be quite a choice to have to make. Artificial lube may not feel very sexy to you, but it's a whole lot sexier than hayfever!

If that's not a possible explanation, then I can only guess that, for whatever reason, you're simply not the kind of gal who gets very juicy. Don't take it as a sign of deficiency or failure or whatever--if that's the way you're built, that's the way you're built. At least it's an issue with an easy and very workable solution. Get yourself some water-based lube, like KY or ForPlay or ID, and go to town, girlfriend!


This document is in the following section of this site: Main Documents > Contributing Authors > The Sexuality Advisor

If you're new to this site, we recommend you visit its home page for a better sense of all it has to offer.