The Sexuality Advisor, Issue #5

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Column #5 - June 26, 2000

Welcome to The Sexuality Advisor, a new feature at! Every other week, we'll answer a few questions about sex, love, and relationships submitted by our readers.

We're thrilled--questions continue to pour in! Regretfully, we cannot answer every letter individually. Whether or not your question is answered in this forum, you can be sure that your email address and question will be kept strictly confidential. We reserve the right to edit the letters we publish for readability and length.

How Can I Get Her Libido To Come Back?

Thanks for the opportunity to ask, Folks!

I am 59 years old, a former track athlete who has maintained great fitness and consequently a healthy to vigorous sex drive right up till today.

My lady partner is 46 and right up until she had a difficult, hard to shake bladder infection (several months and a range of antibiotics) had a wonderful, vigorous sex drive - she would not leave me alone. She was never able to orgasm but nevertheless just loved sex. Post the infection, the libido has dropped to simply 'accomodating' my requirements and any sexual activity I initiate must be preceeded on each occasion by a passion killing shower and scrub with body antiseptics despite both of us being very 'clean' concious people. Naturally, this is frustrating and starting to kill my drive as well. We have been together and had a great sex life for 5 years until this situation.

The lady is not into porn movies or anything else much that I can even think of to stimulate any drive on her part so I am at an absolute loss.

We are very much in love and kiss and cuddle extensively so the preliminaries are potentialy OK.

Any ideas?

OK, let me get this straight: the woman you love has recently suffered from a lengthy, excruciatingly painful, and difficult to shake (months! My God!) ailment that could be regenerated by or exacerbated by sexual intercourse, and you're wondering why she's gunshy about fucking?

Where's my clue stick? I think you need a good thwacking.

Here's my idea. It's perfectly understandable for someone who has gone through such an ordeal to be very reluctant to do anything that might set it off again. If you think a shower with antibiotic soap kills passion, imagine MONTHS OF SEARING PAIN! Jeez! Making sure that you are squeaky clean seems like the least you can do for her under the circumstances. Perhaps if you treat her request for cleanliness as caring gesture rather than a burden and an offense, she'll start feeling the same way about your requests for sex.

Consider it this way: if she was very enthusiastic about sex before her bladder infection, she's probably missing it quite a bit by now, too. Show her that you respect the trial she's just gone through and she'll warm up when she's good and ready. And maybe in the meantime you should do a little research on cunnilingus, genital massage, and G-spot techniques, so that when she does come around, you can give her some knockout orgasms to keep her coming back. Five years is a mighty long time to be sexually involved with someone and not have an orgasm, you know--and you're obviously not willing to go that long without. Turnabout is fair play, pal.

Be patient. Show a little compassion. Dedicate yourself to being a better lover. Make yourself worth her while, and she'll welcome you back when the time is right.

Should I Ask My Girlfriend To Do Me With A Strap-On?

I am a 34 year old man. I am not gay or bi-sexual and do not want to be with another man period. I happen to like anal penatration--it's something I have been doing to myself since I was 12 years old. Should I tell my girlfriend about my anal addiction or keep it to myself? I wish I could get her to do me with a strap-on!

Psst! Hey, buddy, let me let you in on a little secret. Every single person, regardless of their sex or sexual orientation, has a butthole. And every single person has the potential to enjoy anal play. Honest to gosh, it really has nothing to do with whether someone's straight or gay.

You know what I think is funny? That so many super-macho straight guys are so afraid to be fucked in the butt. Manly, manly men will proudly volunteer for combat! Will bravely rush into a burning building to save those trapped inside! But a finger in the butthole? Not on your life! What a bunch of chickens. They don't know what they're missing.

How can you get your girlfriend in on the fun? If you're not sure how she'll react, bring up the subject in a general way outside of bed when you're talking about other sexy sorts of things. If you're the kind of couple who likes to look at explicit pictures, find some of a woman doing a guy with a dildo and see how she reacts.

If she's interested but feels unsure of what to do, get your hands on Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin, or rent Carol Queen's excellent video Bend Over Boyfriend, so she can learn more. Then get bold and show her what you like! When she sees you enjoying yourself so thoroughly, she'll probably get inspired to join in.

Best of luck!

Just Starting Out--How Can I Learn More?

Hi, I am a teenager and I am sex dumb and I am hoping that you can help me.

I have a boyfriend and we getting quite serious. We have talked about sex but haven't done it yet. I live in a Christian family and I don't want to ask my parents this because they will feel uncomfortable with leaving me alone with him.

Well I am pretty sure I know how to have sex, even though they never told me or the school hasn't taught it either. I just heard stuff and I have gone to web sites trying to find stuff out.

Where can I find basic information about sex and how to make basic intercourse better because I don't want to make a fool of myself. Most of the web sites I have gone into gave tips and information on things that are too complicated for me. They might be good later but not right now.

Thank you!

Thank you for the astute letter. It's pretty cool to read a letter from a teen who knows she needs info, and knows what kind of info she needs. I'd recommend TeenWire as a great source of information for teenagers and other folks just starting out sexually. Check it out and see if they're pitching at about your speed.

Here are a couple of things you might want to think about on your way over there, though. You say you're thinking about having sex with your boyfriend, but you're not doing it yet. I'm guessing that what you mean by "having sex" is "penis-in-vagina intercourse", because judging from other parts of your letter ("69's and stuff") (which have been edited out for space), it sounds like you two are pretty sexually intimate already.

Having intercourse is a big step, and the decision whether to do so or not is worthy of serious deliberation. But it's also true that you've already made some heavy decisions--that even though you may not be Doing IT yet, you're already sexually active. I'm not pointing this out in order to give you an excuse to go ahead with intercourse; far from it. I'm pointing this out because you're probably already pretty well entangled in the kinds of heavy emotions that accompany sexual relationships, and because you may already be doing sexual stuff that's short of actual intercourse but may still get you pregnant (like rubbing his penis on your vulva/vaginal lips--his pre-cum and/or ejaculate on your juicy bits may get you pregnant, even if his penis never gets into your vagina). In short, you've already taken on a bunch of sexual and emotional responsibilities that sometimes get overshadowed by the emphasis our culture puts on penis-in-vagina intercourse. Sex is regarded as an "adult matter" exactly because of these kinds of sexual and emotional responsibilities, not because of any particular act.

Whether to go ahead and Do IT or not is up to you and your boyfriend, of course. Before you go for it, though, I'd recommend thinking long and hard about the degree of sexual intimacy you're already enjoying. Whether the relationship you're in is good and good for you. Whether it'd be better to wait til you're an independent adult. Whether you're getting the kind of pleasure you want to be getting out of the sexy stuff you're doing. Whether you're already doing some risky stuff (as far as pregancy and sexually transmitted disease go), and whether you're willing to take the responsibility for birth control, a baby, or an abortion--because some or all of those things can come into your life when you're sexually active, intercourse or no. Sex is serious fun, but it's also serious business.

Have fun and play safe, whatever you choose.

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